The Foot Blog

FEET WITH CORN........

2009-09-20T17:21:00.001-07:00

Feet with corn,Feet with corn,Feet with corn......

Do i need to say anything more.......

NEWS FLASH: Even Obama's dog loves feet...

2009-05-23T02:21:00.000-07:00

The president’s new dog Bo has been described as “Kind of a crazy dog that loves to attack people’s feet and shoes” Well, isn’t that convenient… So it's ok for him to accost friends and family below the ankle and everyone says “oh that’s Soooo cute” but god forbid I get caught chewing on one lousy shoe and its all pitchforks and torches for me…

You people make me sick…..

Leftovers again….

2009-04-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

Its finally gotten to the point where refuse to say merry Christmas or happy new year to people that I didn’t see throughout the holidays…not that I’m a total grump, I’m just done with it…So if you were looking for a greeting go scratch.. its like leftover Chinese food do you save it or throw it out… either way if you see the delivery boy the next day you don’t tip him again….

Obama…..

2008-11-08T08:09:00.001-08:00

In keeping up with current trends and fashion (As you know I’m a punctual sort of guy) I’ve decided to give a glimpse of the future first ladies feet.. it was not an easy photo to get and im sure some government agency will be violating my rights shortly but it will be worth the time spent in Club Gitmo…. And for those who say I don’t have enough women of color in my blog is because they usually beat me up and take my camera….

But I’m hoping for a change…

A Very Special Guest Photographer....Again

2008-10-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

I love contributors; they make my life so easy. There is no photo shopping here folks it’s all real. It appears butterflies love feet too….. Now if I could only get them to do my bidding….. Yesss, come my pretties…..

NEVER TRUST AN ALBANIAN GYSPY WITH A SNAKE TATTOO AND WEBBED TOES.

2008-08-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

Who can say no to a reading from a beautiful fortune teller while on holiday? Not me she lured me into her tent with that snake tattoo and told me my future would hold a sad loss and a great pain.

The last thing I heard were her seven brothers saying GET HIM… and the last thing I saw was the heel of these webbed toes coming towards me at about 70 miles per hour….

Well she was right I did suffer the great loss of some teeth my passport and all my euros and I was in a phenomenal amount of pain…

I hate gypsies….

My Albanian Connection………

2008-07-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

I found these lovely exotic toes after my brief stay in Lapusnik/Llapushnik prison camp in Albania for a crime I swear I did not commit…( Coveting my neighbor’s Eurasian Otter …. What kind of charge is that..) Anyway, while I was there I made some contacts… Serious Contacts….. yowza, yowza, yowza……..

I'm back baby.......

Ah Spring Is in The Air….

2008-04-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

With the blooming of the Cherry Blossom trees in Washington DC so do the wild toes of Ridgewood N.J. All winter they lay dormant in boots and socks waiting for a 60 degree temperature to bud in the spring air. Now some varieties keep all winter long, neat and polished for yoga or swimming, while others fall to the wayside.. To those that braved the winter and kept the fires burning you have my deepest admiration. To the rest of you, I am very, Very disappointed.. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE…..

THE CHESS FOOT... So Long Bobby Fischer, We Hardly Knew Ye...

2008-02-17T11:05:00.001-08:00

“Chess is life.”

“All that matters on the chessboard is good moves.”

“America is totally under control of the Jews, you know. I mean, look what they're doing in Yugoslavia.”

There was no holocaust the Jews are liars, they want to destroy everything I’ve worked for all of my life.

Chessmaster: Bobby Fischer.

Should you be allowed to voice your completely insane opinions to millions of people just because you are good at chess? I am not a smart man but I think no.. and I run a website about feet.. He should have been ignored like we do to most of the babbling undomiciled transients we run into on a daily basis. Maybe someone could have given him some change or a bowl of soup to keep him quiet… I mean its just chess, not brain surgery..

MISSION 2007 COMPLETE.... It's all about the feet man...

2008-01-25T12:30:00.000-08:00

Merry New Year Oh my friends and well wishers.. and what a year it was.. We saw the return Of white patent leathers. Peep toe pumps and shiny silver and gold strappy sandals…Ugh… But this blog goes far beyond good fashion sense.. It’s simply to create an awareness of what lies below the ankle. I’ve been told many times “thanks to you I wont go out with busted feet or run-down shoes” the message is getting out there but there’s so much more work to be done… Remember I’m not the only creep out there… there’s millions like me watching, studying, critiquing …

It's all about the feet man...

Happy 2008

THE HELL OF THE HOLIDAYS......

2007-12-21T15:54:00.000-08:00

purgatory
noun
1. a temporary condition of torment or suffering

2. (theology) in Roman Catholic theology the place where those who have died in a state of grace undergo limited torment to expiate their sins.

holidays have become the waiting place you go after you die when your not bad enough to go to hell but havent kissed enough ass to go to heaven. Here's a tasty recipe for my personal ordeal: work a midnight shift in the city, split the holiday between two familys house, add traffic and liberally sprinkle in many screaming children.. and to top it off slap on all those stupid fuckin questions the same people have been asking me for the last twenty years.... that I always give them the same answer to but they never seem to remember....... If it wasnt for the fearless words of Leonard Maltin..... lets just say that slow moving elderly crowd at the mall.... they just got their last rights....

Christmas is only 3 days away.......

WRITERS STRIKE AND ON VACATION

2007-11-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

Eva Longoria! We write the Storia!,

Eva Longoria! We write the Storia!

Chants from the writers strike picket line, November 2007.

Ok, I have broken my silence and crossed the picket line to post on this holiday. Unlike my comrades’ I have been boycotting all media and electronic equipment for some months now. Its not like I don’t pass my computer and TV 100 times a day, However I felt I must take a stand against the changing seasons primarily fall and winter.

Which brings me to today’s photo… Pantyhose! Dark Colors! Closed Toed Pumps!! The Abomination!!! Why God and baby Jesus Why.. My EYES….. These feet should be in strappy thong sandals and a sun dress cascading down some boardwalk in California. But NNNNOOOOOO … Thanks to climate change these nylon peds need to be warmed by open flame… Global warming I welcome thee….

On a different note Hubba, Hubba. This photo was sent by my field operative on the west coast capturing the classic dangle pose. Normally I despise tattoos on the leg or foot and often wish that person gets horribly burned about the face and neck and have to get the tattoo skin grafted on to their stupid face. On the other hand this one seems to work….I need help…

STRIKE!
STRIKE!
STRIKE!

CRAZY TOES 2.... THE SIBLING...

2007-08-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.”

W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)

“Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.”

Nora Ephron quotes (Screenwriter and director)

SWEET BABY JESUS……the last time I saw a spread like this it had butter and jam on it… and I mean the good stuff not that crap with all the seeds in it that gets caught in the back of your teeth and has you pickin at the worst possible times like a VH1 fashion shoot or waiting to get your picture taken at one of those crappy booths where you pay eight dollars in quarters and get five shitty unusable black and white photos that you wouldn’t even put on your fridge……. Call the doctor, I think she’s gonna crash...

CRAZY TOES............

2007-07-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place.

Even your emotions have an echo

In so much space...

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Probably .........

Crazy Lyrics, Gnarls Barkley

Oh my lord ham mercy, these feet’s be crazy, Not crazy in a bad way like eatin a sandwich out of the trash or wiping your butt with a paper bag; but good crazy like jumpin up on the bar and dancing sexy or stealin daddy’s car for a joyride…. Them toes is all over da place like June bugs durin mating season……yup thems crazy….

I DO LOVE A GOOD PARTY....

2007-06-16T04:24:00.000-07:00

Kid: [when the prisoners were drawing straws to see who gets Kid] Is there any way to stop this?

Fats: Richard Pryor said that when he was in prison, he kept folks laughing to keep their mind off his booty. Do you know any jokes?

Kid: I don't know any jokes.

Fats: Well, you better think of something.

Kid: What if I can't think of anything?

Fats: Light's out, party's over, cake's on the griddle, and you're already greased.

Memorable quotes for House Party (1990)

I do love a good party, barbaque smokin', liquor flowin' and the feets be kickin' (kickin' in a good way not not in a funky way).. Anayway there is always one model her name escapes me right now but it starts with a "J"...... who causes dismay amongst the other women by pointing out tiny flaws or imperfections which usually leads to hair pulling and bitch slapping and; a abrupt end to my photo shoot.... So I say "All feet are beautiful in there own way" and "Sticks and stones may break my bones"......But do it again and I'll step on your bunion.... You know who you are....

SPRING, and the bear emerges from his hibernation....

2007-05-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source
hi·ber·nate (hī'bər-nāt') Pronunciation Key intr.v. hi·ber·nat·ed, hi·ber·nat·ing, hi·ber·nates

1.To pass the winter in a dormant or torpid state.
2.To be in an inactive or dormant state or period.

Ah, springtime.... Time to bury those coats in the back of the closet (or just push them all the way to the left or right until they fall off the hangers on to the floor) Yes time to realize those cloth's you bought last season at a huge discount will not fit, so do not try, I repeat, give up you look silly its not the mirror. Do not throw out the scale.... It's not broken. Instead go on one of the many sucessful fad diets that will suit your needs like "don't eat anything that casts a shadow" or "eat anything you want through a straw" I heard it worked for Terry Schiavo... Nyuk-Nuyk.. Anyway it's nice to be in the light again Even if I am casting a very big shadow...

Lesson #43 .... THE BARTER SYSTEM

2007-03-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

Master: Me order! Me Master! Me run Bartertown!

Max: Sure, that's why you live in shit!

Master: Not shit! Energy!

The Collector: Pig shit. The lights, the motors, the vehicles, all run by a high-powered gas called methane.

Max: Call it what you like. It still smells like shit to me!

Memorable quotes: Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985).

Ah the barter system.. you need somthing and I need somthing, So Lets make a deal.... A college bake sale is a great place to score pho-toes due to the rise of tuiton and the cost of living.. Most grungy co-ed's are too cheap to shell out the 50 cents for a delicious home made brownie so you can imagine what five bucks can get you.... (and I didn't even take their shitty brownies) Anyway she sad thing about these aspiring dance students is they rarely get a happy ending. Most of the time their careers take them to stages with a pole, mirrors and alot of Corona's or you can be lucky enough to get your hip angry junky boyfriend to surgically remove your head with a hacksaw... And for the lucky few that do make it to Broadway might only be cast in a Rosie O'donnell about Boy George that closes after a few weeks... So with with much solace I say "Break a leg..." and then sue....

C.S.I. FOOT-TOWN.....

2007-02-19T14:18:00.000-08:00

[examining a severed arm]

Alexx Woods: No hair at the underarm, but pronounced hair on the knuckles.

Horatio Caine: So, what are you saying?

Alexx Woods: What I'm saying is I'm not an anthropologist. It could be a large woman or a small man.

Memorable quotes for"CSI: Miami" (2002)

You know how it is in these big towns, The party goes on day and night.... but what happens when the parties over..

You started out as friends, maybe college roommates out for a night on the town.... maybe she spilled a drink on you, Maybe you looked at her man.... Maybe she made mention of your third nipple..... Just Maybe. A push here a torn blouse...Maybe a chip in the pedicure caused the fatal blow....

Now its my job to put humpty dumpty back together.....Oh it wont be pretty....

I hope your in the mood for scrambled eggs....

(fade out- Begin opening sequence)

Kook or Loon.......

2007-02-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

loon : noun
1. a crazy or simple-minded person
2. large somewhat primitive fish-eating diving bird of the northern hemisphere having webbed feet placed far back; related to the grebes
3. a person with confused ideas; incapable of serious thought.

Kook: /kuk/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kook] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun Slang.
1.an eccentric, strange, or foolish person.
2.an insane person.

Years ago we used words like “kook” and “Loon” to describe those mentally unbalanced folks that gave us such enjoyment like the kid who talked to his bologna and booger sandwich before eating it… Or the lady that lived with 300+ cats and never left the house.. Even that smelly drunk homeless guy that would drop his pants every time he got caught shoplifting….. Those were the days… but now there is a new breed of nut, one that goes out of there way to be odd…. Well Ta-Daaaa, a little ink and daddy’s little girl becomes instant head case…. Translation “Green, how I want you green”

Kook or no Kook….. you be the judge…..

Deck Them Halls...... IT'S OVER

2006-12-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted] Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football?
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up! Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
Memorable Quotes from A Christmas Story (1983)

yes the holiday season is over and everyone is back to being miserable again, so it's time to answer the age old question when is it time to take down the Christmas lights... Now if your like me you waited until the last minute and had to be shamed into doing it... To let my secret be told my display actually takes little effort and planning (for those catty asshole neighbor's who spend the entire year pondering a theme). I go to the HOME DEPOT and buy as many $1.99 lights I can fit in my truck and staple it to the front of the house..Taa-Daa.. When spring hits I grab one strand and run down the street until the house is clean... sure the wood has more staples than a Bronx telephone pole but it keeps away those pesky "End Of The World" jesus types.

Happy New Year... Now Piss Off....

HOLIDAY LEFTOVERS........

2006-12-23T14:34:00.000-08:00

Charlie Brown: We've got ANOTHER holiday to worry about. It seems Thanksgiving Day is upon us.
Sally Brown: I haven't even finished eating all of my Halloween candy.

Memorable Quotes from A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (1973) (TV)

I don't know about you'se guys but sometimes the leftovers are the best part of the holiday meal, all the essence and flava comes to a peak.. and if you can scam good enough (hit mulitple houses on the same holiday) you have enough food to eat for weeks and nothing to clean up.... and if your really clever you can make off with some heavy duty Tupperware...... Not that I condone any of that behavior... Bloody savages.. Anyway my deepest appreciation goes to all those dear loved ones who have stood by me (literally) and tolerated all my madcap schemes.... ***Trivia*** One year ago last Thanksgiving these same exact feet were assembled in the same exact order and I must say in my opinion they have only gotten better with age...

A Reason For Saying..........THANKS

2006-11-26T08:43:00.000-08:00

I'm so glad we had this time together, Just to have a laugh, or sing a song. Seems we just got started and before you know it Comes the time we have to say, 'So long.'

Carol Burnett Show
Carol's Theme, music and lyrics by Joe Hamilton
Original Air Dates: 1967 - 1978 (CBS) .

They say bird of a feather yada,yada,yada but this is ridiculous.... If you counted twenty one feet in total you were correct (Be kind, Aunt peg showed up this year ).. It's a Thanksgiving miracle. The only problem was cleaning up... all the dropings that is... nuyk-nuyk....

Oh Magoo, you’ve done it again.....

HOWL-O-WEEN III..... END THIS THING ALREADY.

2006-11-22T13:25:00.000-08:00

Trilogy: /ˈtrɪl ə dʒi/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[tril-uh-jee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun, plural -gies.
1.
a series or group of three plays, novels, operas, etc., that, although individually complete, are closely related in theme, sequence, or the like.
2.
(in ancient Greek drama) a series of three complete and usually related tragedies performed at the festival of Dionysus and forming a tetralogy with the satyr play.
3.
a group of three related things.
[Origin: 1655–65; <>tri-, -logy]

As far as movie trilogy’s go they never end well. For instance, The Godfather 3 was a train wreck with Al Pachino taking a dive off the chair at the end and Sophia Coppola’s big fat crybaby face. Halloween three had nothing to do with Halloween one or two. Frodo and Samwise got very gay in the final Lord Of The Rings series and Hayden Christensen should be taken out back and shot for what he did to the star wars trilogy… Even the Return Of The Jedi was ruined by a bunch of retarded dancing gerbils. My point is (if I ever have one) that the third part of the trilogy is the clean up… Time to tie up all those loose ends and try to make sense of everything that transpired in the first two …. Or just make more sequels….

HOWL-O-WEEN 2.... Reese's Pieces

2006-11-13T14:36:00.000-08:00

Milk Chocolate,(sugar;Cocoa Butter;Chocolate; Nonfat Milk; Milk Fat; Lactose;And Soy Lecthin And PGPR, Emulsifiers); Peanuts;Sugar; Dextrose; salt And TBHQ (Preservative).

INGREDIENTS: REESE'S PENUT BUTTER CUP

Total Fat:13g.

Do you remember that commercial where two idiots smash into each other and say "Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter.... NO, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate..." Remember? Do ya, Ok, I don't care the point is I got to bear witness to this abomination of chocolate and peanut butter...... The trilogy is almost complete....

And yes, im aware it's almost Thanksgiving......

HOWL-O-WEEN '06 THE REVENGE

2006-11-03T07:43:00.000-08:00

Dr. Sam Loomis: He was my patient for fifteen years. He became an obsession with me until I realized there neither reason nor understanding or anything about him that was... even remotely human. An hour ago I stood up and fired six shots into him and he just got up and walked away. I am talking about the real possibility that he is STILL OUT THERE!

Donald Pleasence, Halloween 2.

I know what your saying "Oh no he diditn't..." but Oh yes i did.... this was just the begining of my howl-o-ween trilogy.... Let the mayhem begin....

THE PRINCESS AND THE PAUPER...

2006-10-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

AN OLDE TYME FAIRE TALE.

One upon a time in a land far, far away there lived a beautiful princess and a filthy pauper. The princess was from a royal bloodline dating back to the Knights of Camelot, the pauper was from questionable breeding with an I.Q of 7. The princess was mindful of her diet and exercise, the paupers diet consisted of rotten cabbage and low-grade vile apples she collected after they were thrown at her. The princess had beautiful golden hair that she would brush 1000 times a night; the pauper hardly brushed anything at all, the few teeth she possessed made her look like a rancid jack ‘o lantern when she grimaced. If the princess were to pass on the world would be in morning, giant platinum statues and buildings would be erected in her honor… When the pauper died it was no great loss, her only mourners were the starving dogs that dragged her carcass into the woods and realized her leprosy made her inedible; and the small insect like creatures that picked the remaining flesh from her bones, no one cared.

There is no morel.

THE END.

MANGO BE THY NAME.......

2006-10-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

Oh.........Walking home one day- walking home one day, ah spot ah mango tree
Climb up over there, jump up over there, ah had to go and see
So ah could hold it...And ah could feel it-haIt look so juicy......
And it say bite mefrom then,
Sweet mango I love it, sweet mango.....
Sweet mango I love it, sweet mango.....
Sweet mango in season, sweet mango.....
Sweet mango is pleasin'
sweet mango.....I like...........
Got me eye on that tree, got me eye on that tree
Raidin' it 'til it bare
Don't have to remind me, don't have to remind me
I know that it is there.........
Lyrics Primadona, Sweet Mango.

What can I say about the mango that hasn't already been written in a sonnet or expressed in song... The alluring hypnotic colors that draw you close... The unmistakable sweet fragrance..... Ripe and juicy, when it calls... You Cannot say NO! Even if your careful you wind up covered in a thick sugary goo ready for the next one....Oh the humanity... If god had made an eighth day he would have named it MANGO..... I thank you.

IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE......

2006-10-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

"Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game....It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love, All you need is love, love.........love is all you need."

The Beatles (Lennon/McCartney), All You Need Is Love.

It's bad enough that I have to be on these psychotic medications or "meds" for being schizophrenic and bipolar but what makes things worse is a shipping delay from some Canadian pharmacy.... If I don't get my lithium,thorazine and haldol cocktail twice daily things get sinister and unpleasant around here.... It's amazing that a co-payment for drugs at the local CVS is twenty dollars but crack on the street corner is only five bucks.... And they take GHI! Anyway Meds are here..... All is good... Look at the Pink... Pretty Pink..... Poppies... yes Poppies will make them sleep..... Sleep.... Sleep...

"Deese Ain't CROCS.... It's a Fugazy"

2006-09-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

LEFTY: Are you for real? I'm asking if you want to middle a diamond here. All I want for my end's eight thousand.
DONNIE: I'm saying give it to somebody don't know any better. It's a fugazy.
LEFTY: How can you say it's a fugazy? You looked at it two seconds.
DONNIE: Go ahead, try and sell it, you wanna be a dunsky.
LEFTY: (angry) I'm a dunsky? Let me tell you something, my friend -- do you know who you're talking to?

Al Pacino and Johnny Depp. Donnie Brasco.

Allow me rant for a minute...If it isn't bad enough some fucking retard managed to manufactured the ugliest shoe on the planet they also made them in the most queer colors. In my opinion these shoes are more offensive to the eye than a hot dog shit sandwich. Marketed to rich white people, granola hippies and their spoiled parasite offspring as an "Ecco-friendly boating/outdoor shoe because of its slip-resistant, non-marking sole."... These pompous, egotistical assholes should be beaten with their own overpriced shoes and thrown from a moving van on to 125th street and Adam Clayton Powell blvd. with T-shirts that say "WHITE POWER".

But the biggest atrocity is that these are "fakes","Knock-Off's"... Yes, This horizontally challenged fashon victim walks proudly in bootleg, counterfeit CROCS..... Oh the humanity... May you be on the beach and have seal hunters beat you to death with their giant clubs and use you skin for a coat that can only be sold in the Burlington Coat Factory.....

Ok, I'm done....

TRIBUTE TO A FELLOW HUNTER.... A Twenty One Toe Salute..

2006-09-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

Lying in a den in Bombay,With a slack jaw, and not much to say
I said to the man, "Are you trying to tempt me..Because I come from the land of plenty?"
And he said,
"Oh! Do you come from a land down under? (oh yeah yeah)
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover."

Men At Work lyrics, Down Under.

Bow yer noggins folks 'cause yesterday I lost a fellow mate and it's time to break me silence... A hunter's line of work is a dangerous one. We risk great bodily harm for the amusement of others and when our time comes it never ends well.. Wether its a barbie spear to the heart by a cowardly stingray, OR a jealous boyfriend/hubby with a spear gun not understandin' foot photography as art.. Steve Mate this warm, expired Matilda Bay Wine Cooler is for you...

A great thanks to the Indiana Sheila's for the photo. I owe a pint to mum for gettin' the ladies in order; and a pint to pop, you have earned it sir...

LAND SHARK

2006-08-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

[ Music: "Jaws Theme ] [ a knock at the door ]
Woman #2: [ appoaches the door ] Yes?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Arlsbergerhh??
Woman #2: Who?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Johnannesburrrr??
Woman #2: Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Flowers.
Woman #2: Flowers? From whom?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber, ma'am..
Woman #2: I don't need a plumber. You're that clever shark, aren't you?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Candygram.
Woman #2: Candygram, my foot! Get out of here before I call the proper authorities. You're the shark, and you know it.
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] I'm only a dolphin, ma'am..
Woman #2: A dolphin? Well.. okay..
[ she opens the door, as the shark pulls her screaming into the hallway ] ....

Radio: ...considered the cleverest of all sharks. Unlike the great white, which tends to inhabit the waters of harbors and recreational beach areas, the Land Shark may strike at any place, any time. It is capable of disguising its voice, and generally preys on young, single women. Experts at the University of Miami's Oceanographic Institute suggest that the best way to scare off the shark in the event of an attack is to hit or punch the predator in the Nose. Now for the weather..

Saturday Night Live Skit (1975) Land Shark.

It ran kind of long so I'll shut up for now......I promise no more vacations for a while...

ROCK LOBSTER TAKE TWO.....(Day Of The Gout)

2006-08-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

Gout ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gout) n.
:A disturbance of uric-acid metabolism occurring chiefly in males, characterized by painful inflammation of the joints, especially of the feet and hands, and arthritic attacks resulting from elevated levels of uric acid in the blood and the deposition of urate crystals around the joints. The condition can become chronic and result in deformity.
:A large blob or clot.

Source: On-line Medical Dictionary, © 1997-98

Ok, Lets do the math...On vacation in New England a 2 lb. lobster bought at the fishing boats costs $8 instead of at the market for $10.99 a pound... Due to such incredible savings I can triple my intake twice daily... If I stay 10 days with no exercise and add either steak or shrimp with each meal how many toes will have to be amputated from my right foot from the gout after the paramedics have to remove me through my front bay window and transport me in my oversized bed via fork lift?
You will have thirty minutes to complete this question. Use #2 pencils only..

ROCK LOBSTER

2006-08-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

We were at a party, His ear lobe fell in the deep Someone reached in and grabbed it,
It was a rock lobster
We were at the beach, Everybody had matching towels.
Somebody went under a dock
And there they saw a rock
It wasn't a rock
It was a rock lobster.......

Lyrics B-52's, Rock Lobster.

The lyrics to that song make about as much sense as those two retard mimes Shields and Yarnell ....But that was 1979 and lets not forget it was the same year MacArthur's Park by Donna Summer was in the top 10.... Anyway, My point here is no feet were harmed in the making of this shoot HOWEVER... These tasty little buggers (2 lbs to be exact) Suffered horribly in boiling sea water (13 min to be exact) only to be covered by many sticks of melted butter (4 to be exact) , Digested and eventually, Shat out my anus...

Mel Gibson should make a movie about that Holocaust....

SANDY..

2006-07-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

Oh Sandy, baby, someday,When High School is done
Somehow, someway, Our two worlds will be one
In heaven forever, And ever we will be
Oh please say you'll stay
Oh Sandy.....

John Travolta, Sandy Lyrics. Grease Soundtrack

Oh man, did I have a thing for that Olivia newton John... She was so good and honest and pure. Untainted with blond hair, blue eyes and a killer Aussie accent....OOOOhh sweet baby Jesus... The rest of the pink ladies were either sluts or retards... Stockard Channing was like fourty, Frenchy and Jan looked like they had Down's syndrome....And Marty was two steps away from being strangled to death by her pimp and have her body rolled in a carpet and thrown in a dumpster... And don't get me started on Grease 2... Michelle Pfeiffer's acting was like dog shit on a Ritz cracker....

MORE FROM THE MAGIC GARDEN....DAMN WEEDS...

2006-07-17T15:11:00.000-07:00

Come to the garden of make-believe, A magical garden of make-believe,
Where flowers chuckle and birds play tricksAnd a magic tree grows lollipop sticks.....

Paula and Carole , THE MAGIC GARDEN.

Lets get back to the 70's jack..... I don't know how that freeky hippie show Magic Garden ever made it to the air. There were two "Charlie Manson Family type" Squeeky Frome-ish chicks Paula and Carole running the show ( I think I had the hots for one of them)... A chuckling patch, a giant orange rodent and a hallucinogenic disc that can be directly traced to my severe night terrors and mescaline addiction... AND they would never say my name... IT WAS ALWAYS KABOB AND LANEY AND FRODO AND KEESHA....BUT NEVER MY FUCKING NAME WHY.... WAS IT SO HARD.... LIKE THERE WAS MORE THAN ONE "KRAMDEN" ON THIS EARTH.... I hope the two of them are stuck in a lousy old age home and the Jamaican nurses won't change there soiled diapers because there too busy watching there "stories"

GARDEN VARIETY FEET....Hosted by the Gnome..

2006-07-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to share old memories and play our songs again
When I got to the garden party, they all knew my name
No one recognized me, I didn't look the same....
CHORUS:
But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself.........

Garden Party Lyrics, Ricky Nelson.

Greetings Friends....The biggest problem facing us gnomes today are horny dogs, snow over one foot and the occasional "gnome-nabbing" by drunken teens.... But the pro's do outweigh the cons... We can eat all we want from the KFC dumster and we keep all the change that falls out of your pockets... I've been to the Coin-star five times this week. Neatly pedicured feet are always appreciated considering there always inches from our face's.... But Be Warned Nasty unkempt feet will not be tolerated... It will cause us to do terrible unspeakable things.. Like urinating on your tomato plants or shoving your tooth brushes up our anus while you sleep..... Were not faerie's you know.

"A LEPRECHAUN" iiiiRISH WEEK FINALE

2006-07-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

Leprechaun: Where's ME gold?

Alex: Fuck you, lucky charms!

Leprechaun: Try as they will, and try as they might, who steals me gold won't live through the night.....

Memorable Quotes from Leprechaun (1993)

As iiirish week draws to a close (It only lasted three weeks and came in June..) It pains me to say it, but....Ware's mE GOLD?... Tis' not faire... you've got all the shillings and me pockets are bare...... An irish curse I place on thee.... May your food become bland and tasteless..May your liver swell to the size of a bowling ball and become twice as hard....May your tenth drunkin driving conviction finally send your potatoe eatin arse to jail... Oh wait, Thats already happened to you? Twice.... And the wife too eh... Oh deer....

MORE OF THE IIIIIRISH......

2006-06-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

"We had sailed seven years, when the measles broke out,And our ship lost her way in a fog
And the whole of the crew was reduced down to two.’Twas myself and the captain’s old dog
then the ship struck a rock,(BANG) Oh, Lord, what a shock
And nearly tumbled over...
Turned nine times around then the poor old dog was drowned;
I’m the last of the Irish Rover...."

Shilelagh Law, The Irish Rover.

Top of the mornin' to ye saints and sinners... this weeks lass comes from Dublin herself... Back in the old country she's known as "Chief Long Toe" and with good reason... she can pour you a pint, massage your shoulders, give birth to twins, cook a damn fine ham, and home school 17 fine catholic suns and dauters of erin aye.... and that's all with just one foot...This fine whip of a woman has kissed the blarney stone more than once I can tell ya...... AYE....

SWEET MOLLY MALONE (a tribute to the Irish)

2006-06-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

In Dublin's fair city,Where girls are so pretty,I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone,
As she pushed her wheelbarrow Through streets broad and narrow,Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh"! .....

Chorus:Alive, alive oh! alive, alive oh!Crying, "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh"!

Molly Malone, Irish Folksong.

Ah, faith and begorra, good mornin' to ya Sinners.... Me thinks i'll make this IIIIIIrish week (3 months late)..... anyway's this lass is no "Knick Knacking" tinker, she's a "Poshie"... With firey red hair and skin so milk white you'd think it was squeezed straight from a cows teet....Ahhh saints be praised...

TOO SHY, SHY PART 2.... Not as shy as the previous post; but shy none the less

2006-06-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

I didnt know ya got a rock n roll record,
Until a saw your picture on another guys jacket,
You told me I was the only one
And look at you now, well its dark as its dumb,
My, My, My,
Once bitten twice shy, babe

Ian Hunter, Once Bitten Twice Shy.

There's another kind of shy, The one thats full of ideas..... "You should do this.... and you should do that...." QUIET!!!!!!!
I'm the artist here and if I say were using a pogo-stick, a blowtorch and three beef sticks you just get crackin!!!!!!

Coming up next week feet in flames packed with nitrates bouncing on a beloved child's toy......

TOO SHY....

2006-05-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

"Hey girl, move a little closer.
You're ...
Too shy shy Hush hush,
eye to eye
Too shy shy Hush hush,
eye to eye
Too shy shy
Hush hush ............"

Kajagoogoo Lyrics, Too Shy.

Some people talk a good game. "Oh when will I be on your site, when are you going to take MY picture...." But when the time comes it's " Not now my feet are skanky... or not today i'm bloated and have toe jam...." And when the camera comes out they scatter like roaches when you flick on the light. But thats the beauty of this site... we get the feet's when they good ,bad or just too shy,shy....

WHEN GLADIATORS MEET.....

2006-05-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, let me present-FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD,Possibly the most important thing.This side of the world........

When two tribes go to war
A point is all you can score....
When two tribes go to war
A point is all you can score....

FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD LYRICS, Two Tribes.

Thrown into a sandy ring... Various designers surround them....Kenneth Cole sreams off with her shoe! The fight begins.... scratches and kicks...red polish everywhere...Whoever wins dosen't matter we came to see a fight... At last Michael Kors gives a thumbs down.... The battle is over...

Who is gonna clean up this freakin mess?....

CAR SHOW FINALE....AMERICAN MUSCLE.

2006-05-14T11:20:00.000-07:00

American Woman, get away from me
American Woman, mama let me be
Don't come a knockin' around my door
Don't wanna see your shadow no more
Coloured lights can hypnotize
Sparkle someone else's eyes
Now Woman, I said get away
American Woman, listen what I say-ay-ay-ay...

THE GUESS WHO, AMERICAN WOMAN.

Now thats what I like to see. Hanging out in the dodge area by the new Challenger. Oversized jeans with holes in em' cuffed up on the bottom. Bibby half shirt and long blond hair, poppin and pullin on her chewin' gum... yup, that's all American standing next to a 425 horsepower 6.1 Hemi engine that will tear your eyeballs out from 0-60 in 4.5 seconds.... yes folks we have a winner...

CINCO DE MAYO.....

2006-05-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

Arriba, arriba, ayeehah! [...?...] Ole, ole, ole [...?...]!!! Hello, pussycat. You looking for a nice, fat mouse for dinner.....?

SPEEDY GONZALES, MEXICAN.

Guantanamera,Guajira Guantanamera.....Guantanamera, Guajira Guantanamera..... Hola friends! Lets enjoy a Corona and watch the sun set... But stay away from the chips... I think they've gone bad.... Hey here's a joke for you "Whatta ya call a mexican with a rubber toe?".......Roberto... Get it... come on .... I kid.... I kid because I love...

CAR SHOW 2006..... CONT...

2006-05-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

You got a fast car, But is it fast enough so we can fly away, We gotta make a decision, We leave tonight or live and die this way...
I remember we were driving driving in your car, The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk, City lights lay out before us, And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder,And I had a feeling that I belonged,
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone....

Lyrics Fast Car, Tracy Chapman.

What we have here is a fine example of a mid sized Japanese economy auto. This happens to be the LX edition so it comes with all the bells and whistles including: candy apple red color, a fine tanned appearance; and leather belts and buttons on the double wishbone suspension... Tops in it's class.. But I warn you, don't just take this to any street mechanic... This one needs to be taken to the dealer every five thousand miles....

FEET FROM THE CAR SHOW 2006...

2006-04-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

Here in my car, I feel safest of all, I can lock all my doors, It's the only way to live In cars....

Here in my car, I can only receive, I can listen to you, It keeps me stable for days In cars....

Lyrics Gary Numan, Cars.

Greetings from the 2006 car show at the Jacob Javits Convention Center in NYC.. Here before you is a luxury German vehicle ten cilinder flats with gold pin-striping... You will notice various dents and scratches on this model leading me to believe it is "pre-owned" and might I add "has quite a few highway miles...." Prove me wrong but the high sandards of these European autos has fallen quite a bit over the years....

AND THE PEEPS SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH...

2006-04-17T16:42:00.000-07:00

Ingredients: SUGAR,CORN SYRUP,GELITAN,CONTAINS LESS THAN 0.5% OF THE FOLLOWING INGREDIENTS:POTASSIUM, SORBATE (A PRESERVATIVE) ARTIFICAL FLAVORS,YELLOW#5(TARTRAZINE),CARNAUBA WAX.

Ingredients to peeps.

PEEP...PEEP PEEEP-PEEP PEEEEEEP-PEEEEP....PEEP PEEEP-PEEEP PEEP-PEEEP.... PEEEP-PEEEEP-PEEEEP.... PEEP PEEEP, PEEEP, PEEEP .... PEEP PEEEP PEEEP PEEEP PEEEP PEEEP PEEP..... PEEP PEEEP, PEEP!... PEEEP-PEEP!

HERE'S THE EASTER RABBIT.......HURRAY!

2006-04-16T05:16:00.000-07:00

Easter Rabbit: (Every year I get some dumb bunny to do my work for me) But you can't quit now. You'll give the Easter Rabbit a bad name.
Bugs Bunny: I already have a bad name for the Easter Rabbit.
Easter Rabbit: Remember, keep smiling.
Elmer Fudd: I'm waiting for the Easter Wabbit. When he comes in looking so fwuffy and cute with his wittle basket of Easter eggs... BANG! Easter Wabbit stew. He he he he.

Bugs Bunny, Easter Yeggs (1947).

Oh the Easter bunnys always been good to us giving up his chocolate brethren each year for mass genocide and all for a few nibbles of a carrot..... but be careful my friends and well-wishers if they ever find a way to unite and organize the "peeps" we will all be drowning in a sea of sticky sugary marshmallow... I fear for the future...

ONE............

2006-04-11T14:11:00.000-07:00

"One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one, It's the loneliest number since the number one
No is the saddest experience you'll ever know
Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know..."
THREE DOG NIGHT LYRICS, ONE.(1969)

A letter written to me by a fan states " Hey Foot Hunter, get off your fat lazy ass and post more than ONE photo a week... For Christ sake were dying out here..." J Conroy Illinois.

You sir can go shit in a hat... Do you know how much time and effort go into this weblog...? HUH.. Well more than average. I am a very busy and important man running industry and fabricating code and text... I have many minions at my disposal.... My house needs new gutters and there's a pie on the counter i've been waiting to eat.... So don't tell me im lazy... and for being fat well I'm just as god made me.....

IN SUPPORT OF OUR HOSE.......

2006-04-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

"Hello there. My name is Fred Bartles and this is Ed Jaymes. You know, it occurred to Ed the other day that between his fruit orchard and my premium grade wine vineyard, we could make a truly superior premium-grade wine cooler. It sounded good to me. So Ed took out a second on his house, and wrote to Harvard for an MBA, and now we’re preparing to enter the wine cooler business. We will try to keep you posted on how it’s going. And thank you for your support."

Bartles and Jaymes, Wine Coolers.

Yee-haw folks, this one came in on the red eye all the way from Texas to show me these A.M.A approved support hose.... There uncomfortable as hell and do no justice to them tootsies trapped inside; But boy do they improve the circulation....Yee-Haw..(guns firing)... Yee-Haw... (More guns firing)... Come on down and we'll split a possum and fry a jailbird..... Yee-ha (Even more guns firing, someone may have gotten shot..... I hear sirens.....)

THREE'S COMPANY........TWO?

2006-03-27T19:51:00.000-08:00

"Come and knock on our door.....
We've been waiting for you......
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his, Three's company too.

Come and dance on on our floor......
Take a step that is new.....
We've a loveable space that needs your face, Three's company too....."

Three's Company Lyrics, Don Nicholl and Joe Raposo

Greetings singles from sunny California, I'll be your host Larry Dallas... We met these three foxes at the Regal Beagle and figured I'd take them back to jacks place for a cool make out session.... Janet and that annoying retard Chrissy are gone for the night so were home free.... Boy I hope the Ropers don't show up and mess things up; because if they do I'm gonna cut their heads off and throw the bodies in the ocean... Out Of Sight Man......

PIANO FEETS.......

2006-03-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

And the piano sounds like a carnival, And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar ,And say "Man what are you doing here?"
Sing us a song you're the piano man, Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody, And you've got us feeling alright....

BILLY JOEL lyrics - "Piano Man" (1973)

In this creepy little bar in Red Hook I came across this rare beauty with no arms playing the piano. She had better tips than anyone in the place... And it was a topless joint... I was a little put off though when I found out she was also the cook and refused to wear gloves... That's where I draw the line..

SEASONED SUMMER FEETS....

2006-03-14T16:17:00.000-08:00

The summer wind, came blowin’ in - from across the sea,It lingered there, so warm and fair - to walk with me
All summer long, we sang a song - and strolled on golden sand,Two sweethearts, and the summer wind
Like painted kites, those days and nights - went flyin’ byThe world was new, beneath a blue - umbrella sky, Then softer than, a piper man - one day it called to you
And I lost you, to the summer wind....

Ol Blue Eyes, FRANK SINATRA
"The Summer Wind". (1966)

Ahh, summers comming I can feel it in the air.... Well at least it stopped snowing.. Anyway early spring or summer most feets have been kept sardined in heavy wool socks and boots. After those fitst vital pedicures where they remove layer after layer of dead skin your feet are delicate and smooth and left vulnerable to the elements ( ie. Hot sand ,rocks, sea shells). Sexy, Delicous feet like these must endure weeks of this torment until the feet adjust to the summer lifestyle... I saw these feets chase two kids across hot asphalt you could fry an egg on Yet, she did not feel a thing and still looked great for the pool... Those are beautifully seasoned summer feets....

THE FIVE DOLLAR BOOTS.....

2006-03-09T16:25:00.000-08:00

Ipswitch: Ms. Benes the eight-thousand dollar hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is Neutria.
Elaine: Well, that's a kind of sable.
Ipswitch: No, its a kind of rat.
Elaine: That's a rat hat?
Ipswitch: And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors
Elaine: Wait? Can I fire you?
Ipswitch: No.

Seinfeld episode "THE CHICKEN ROASTER"

Where can you get five dollar boots that are this stylish and warm.... Why "PAYLESS" of course... Somewhere in Indonesia very small children (about 1/3 our size) are working feverishly, day and night for about two cents a day so we can wear the hides of these abundantly multiplying rodents.... Now dont get me wrong I'm not against five year olds working in sweat shops I mean learning a marketable trade at such a young age builds character and teaches responsibility... And as far as fair wages did you know that you can get a 16 year old prostitute, a bottle of booze and and a room for the night for five cents in Indonesia? Now that's somthing to think about.......

FROSTY THE SNOW FOOT....

2006-03-06T14:14:00.000-08:00

Professor Hinkle: Now, give me that hat, or else.
Frosty: Or else what?
Professor Hinkle: Don't bother me with details. Just give me that hat! ....

Memorable Quotes from Frosty the Snowman (1969) (TV)

Yes folks real snow 100% pure, honest to goodness snow, Found only in north east New Jersey. Sure it's cold but not dangerous, I mean you would have to spend more than twenty minutes in this frozen white stuff to get frostbite I think?...It was quite a long walk back to the house...Why did'nt I let her bring her shoes.. She was complaining alot....... Yikes is it turning black?...

ASH WEDNSDAY.... REPENT,REPENT...

2006-02-28T17:26:00.000-08:00

Louis Cyphere: No matter how cleverly you sneak up on a mirror, your reflection always looks you straight in the eye.
Harry Angel: Have you ever watched the Mickey mouse club? Well you know what today is? It's Wednesday, anything can happen day.
Louis Cyphre: Alas... how terrible is wisdom when it brings no profit to the wise, Johnny?....The flesh is weak, Only the soul is immortal. [darkly] And yours belongs to ME……
Memorable Quotes from Angel Heart (1987).

Repent you filthy sinners I want you to show right now how much you love God! I want you to show as your tithe! I want you to open up your hearts! And open up your wallets! And open up your purses! And give it up! Praise the Lord! Somebody's been talking about me, talking about I've been riding around in a Cadillac! If you love me, and you wanna give to me, then I should be in a Rolls Royce!....
Hallelujah! Permit me to be transmittable, Hallelujah! Permit me to be reincarnatable, Hallelujah! Permit me to be reproducible, Hallelujah! For His Kingdom is yours! Today! Right now! Follow me! Follow me! Show me them feets.. Yes! Oh Hallelujah!.......

FAT TUESDAY, MARDI GRA FEET......

2006-02-28T04:15:00.000-08:00

Coach Klien:Mmm, that snake
looks delicious.What part do you think I'm about to eat?
Mama:Uh, basically a snake don't have parts..But, uh, if I had to call it anything,I would say
it's his knee.
Coach Klien:Great. His Knee..And what are we having for dessert?
[Animal Chittering In Zapper]
Mama:- Squirrel.
- [Squirrel Thuds]
Coach Klien:Excellent....

Memorable Quotes from The Waterboy (1998)

Welcome to the Bourbon Street balcony party folk where a flash of dem feet's get you some shiny bead's....Oh don't be shy, I know it not you first time on the bayou... If you feelin' friskie we can go to my place for some catfish and gator pie if ya know what im sayin' sweet Boo... Oh If pie ain't cho-thaing we can have some gumbo and split a possum.....Either way missie show me dem feets...

I promise Momma don't got's know.....

HIDE AND GO SEEK FEET........

2006-02-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

"Max Cady: Counselor! Come out, come out, wherever you are! I am like God, and God like me. I am as large as God, He is as small as I. He cannot above me, nor I beneath Him be. Selatius, 17th Century......"

Robert De Niro, Cape Fear (1991).

Oscar Wilde said “Life is never fair"...And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. Which brings me to this photo. Back in my youth when I was a young scrapper filled with piss and vinegar and toting a very complex 35mm camera, taking photos was not as easy as my new digital SLR point and shoot in "fully automatic retard mode". On holiday I came across these one of a kind soles and tried to add them to my collection. Confident that I just snagged the shot of the year I walked with a cheeky arrogance in my stride… But alas, after the film was developed I realized my critical errors… Life is not fair….

KITTY-KAT SHOES.......

2006-02-18T22:54:00.000-08:00

Van Wilder: There's got to be something that we can work out...What's that intoxicating aroma you have on Doris?
Ms. Doris Haver: I have cats..
Van Wilder: Meow-wow!
Ms. Doris Haver:Are you trying to seduce me? [Ms. Haver takes a long swig on some liquor] ..Oh yeah... that's the shit!
Van Wilder: You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea.I think I'm getting a little coldsore come on... so maybe we shouldn't do this for 3 to 6 weeks?
Ms. Doris Haver: Shut up, bitch and give me some sugar!....

Memorable Quotes from Van Wilder (2002)

Tally ho, pip-pip bad teeth princess Di and such... These amusing lymie shoes are often sold along side Doc Martens and can easily surpass them in price depending on the design. I can't comment on how comfortable they are But I can say each one is heavy as a brick and if kicked in the crotch by one your eyes will cross, you will go down and your asshole will pucker and beg for buttermilk..... "Word" means "The Truth"

PEN AND PENCIL HOLDER........

2006-02-15T14:54:00.000-08:00

"RAT-A-TATT- TATT-TATT-TATT-TATT-TATT-TATT-TATT-TATT-TATT....AGGGGGGGG..."

MEMORIES OF THE "ST.VALENTINES DAY MASSACRE", Al Capone

The perfect gift for your special valentine, it comes in different sizes and colors and can hold up to eight pens or markers at a time....Call now supplies are limited... Order in the next ten minutes and recieve a 7oz. bucket of Oxy clean... But wait there's more....

ROBERT KINKADE MALL FEET....

2006-02-13T14:14:00.000-08:00

Shannon Hamilton: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair.

Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.

Gil Hicks: What... like the back of a Volkswagen?

Memorable Quotes from Mallrats (1995)

These feet remind me of that mall art store that sell that "feel good" type of art. Pictures of "Days of Yore".... The horse drawn carriages and quaint little towns with warm fireplace glows. The high pressure sales staff sit you in a dark quiet room to have some "Alone Time" with your painting and after all that's said and done you've bought a six hundred dollar poster that's been painted on by some sweat shop worker in a country you can't pronounce.... Anyway thats what these cute cuddly homestyle potato toes remind me of...BUY AMERICAN....

SCOTTISH FEET.....

2006-02-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

"your in my eyes, your in my eyes your in my eyessss."
Great scottsman: Stuart Mackenzie, impersonating Rod Stewart (also great scottsman) , So I Married An Ax Murderer.

"There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman"
Great Scottsman: Groundskeeper Willie, The Simpsons.

"I cannot change the laws of physics!."
Great Scottsman: Scotty, Star Trek.

Aye, now don't get crabit on this one sonny jack...Ask yourself "Whats tastier than a boiled haggis (*made from the lung, liver, and heart of the sheep) and mashed turnips?"... A good Scottswomans feet, Aye... Proud and strong she can bear sixteen children in one day and still be ready for a shaggin'.... But be warned, her husband (a brute of a man) states " if you bring out the William Wallace in this wifey she'll use them as daggers and open you from stem to stern...." Aye beautiful and dangerous, we wont be throwing this nessy back in the loch...Aye...
FREEDOM....

GUMMI FEET

2006-02-04T18:09:00.000-08:00

Homer: Ooh, gummi bears! Gummi calves' heads...gummi jaw breakers! [lustily] Ohh...[walks up] What's that?
Man: [German accent] That is the rarest gummi of them all, the gummi Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans who were exclusively in the medium of gummi.
Marge: Will you two stop saying "gummi" so much?

Episode [2F06] Homer Bad Man, THE SIMPSONS

Sweet and jucy, coming in all shapes and colors, these soft gelatinous feet have become a staple in my diet. Now I've been told to watch my sugar intake or there gonna take my big toe from the gout, but you cant eat just one I tells ya... I'm hooked man...I need it... Just one more and Im off the stuff for good... MMMMMMM GUMMI FOOT...

PUSS IN BOOTS....

2006-02-01T14:31:00.000-08:00

Puss-in-Boots: Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.
Shrek: Join the club. We got jackets.
Puss-in-Boots: Whatever happens... I must not cry. You cannot make me cry... [breaks down sobbing]

Memorable Quotes from Shrek 2 (2004) .

Ok people get your minds out of the gutter I said "puss in boots" not "pussy boots" , Thats not the kind of puss I was talking about. It's that frowny kind of puss like somone shit in your easter basket "puss" get it.. Moving along it's not my fault that these boots look like they fell off the stage of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat ...Obviously you want people to look at them with all your strings and fuzz otherwise you would wrap them in plastic bags and hide in the shadows.... So don't give a freakin puss when a strange man with a camera ask's to take a picture of them or people might see you for what you really are... A rich, spoiled fashon victim....Neh...

ITS CURTAINS....

2006-01-30T16:36:00.000-08:00

" Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Oz. I said come back tomorrow...."

Frank Morgan, THE WIZARD OF OZ.

Its curtians for these tic tac toes. It was a funny show, Got good reviews but nobody went to see it. That's show business for you, the flashy crap stays forever and the quality stuff gets swept under the carpet...
COMING SOON: PASSION OF THE CHRIST III, THIS TIME IT'S BIBLICAL....

TIPSY TOES.....

2006-01-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

"You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk....

Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober.....”

Winston Churchill quotes.

Oh yea.. this honey's had a few too many cerveza's.. No drinky and drivy for this cupcake... When asked if she could walk a straight line she stated "I was a dancer, I can dance a srtaight line...." She then kicked off her shoes and started twirling around in a circle making her fall and strike her head on the table... one ambulance later she was back up to the bar.... Way to go Baryshnikov ...

I DREAM OF GENIE WITH THE......

2006-01-25T14:32:00.000-08:00

"Last night I held Aladdin's lamp
And so I wished that I could stay
Before the thing could answer me
Well, someone came and took the lamp away
I looked around, a lousy candle's all I found
Well, you don't know what we can find
Why don't you come with me little girl
On a magic carpet ride...."

STEPPENWOLF lyrics - "Magic Carpet Ride"

"Arise genie of the lamp" to see the elite footwear your concubines are wearing... Stylish and dazzling these slippers of the sultan can be worn in and out of the harem if you know what I mean effendi.... I would give these shoes two thumbs up by my hands were chopped off for stealing...

HASSAN CHOP........

WELFARE SHOES......

2006-01-23T16:17:00.000-08:00

"You don't have no icecream!
You didn't get none !
You didn't get none !
'cos you are under wellfare, you can't afford it.
You can't afford it
and his father is an alcoholic !"

Eddie Murphy, Delirious

I'm sorry this problem needs to be addressed... When chinese slippers went out in the 80's no one was sad to see them go and the void remained vacant until the last few years when these atrocities hit the marketstarting off in the getto and working its way to suburban America. Harmless you say... Oh, I beg to differ... These two dollar and ninty nine cent spawns of satan bought from the "oriental" lady have pushed summer feet out of flip flops and cast them into a web of cheap fabric...

And it gets worse.... now that your feet are semi hidden you can let them go to the way side...busted feet and unpainted toenails everywhere... And the shoes literally disintegrate and look like crap after a days use and were never ment to be worn outside the house. Yet they are worn to movies , the mall broadway shoes and every other social event where they should be "VERBOTEN" (forbidden). And now they make them in all colors to match any outfit and there are plus size's with cute designs, and when it gets cold girls wear them with socks...

We must gather together my friends and well wishers to stop this insanity because one sharp toenail can cut through that net like Oprah on a baked ham and release a chain reaction of fractured feet the likes this nation has never seen...

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS AMERICA...

BUSTED......

2006-01-19T23:19:00.001-08:00

"Bad boys, bad boys Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do When they come for you....
When you were eight And you had bad traits, You go to school And learn the golden rule, So why are you Acting like a bloody fool, If you get hot You must get cool
Nobody naw give you no break, Police naw give you no break, Soldier naw give you no break, Not even you 'idren naw give you no break Hey hey.."

BAD BOYS (Theme from COPS)
by INNER CIRCLE.

10-13 central... we need backup on this one.. It looks like she's been kicking around cinder blocks like soccer balls with her bare feet... send a bus (ambulance) and keep those units rolling... Notify the boss central she's an E.D.P ( EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED PERSON) and bring the tazer..... All right slow it down, no further central she's under... six M.O.S. to the hospital.... were 98...

BUSTED........

THE INCREDIBLE HULK....

2006-01-19T01:03:00.000-08:00

"Father: Stop your bawling, you weak little speck of human trash.

Bruce Banner: You're making me angry. You wouldn't like me when im angry....."

Hulk Smash.....

Memorable Quotes from "The Hulk" (2003)

The word Escape has many meanings for instance in "The Pina Colada Song" Rupert Holmes felt escape was a good thing, a change for the better and was rewarded in the end. Rupert Holmes did not envision the kind of escape these feet are trying to do in which the skin is so stretched out that the bones are trying to escape through the callouses... After taking tis photo I was lucky to escape with my life.... moments later these feets turned green and attacked a nearby army base...

MIDNIGHT SNACK...

2006-01-17T01:35:00.000-08:00

"I'm gonna wait 'till the midnight hour
That's when my love comes tumbling down I'm gonna wait 'till the midnight hour When theres no one else around
I'm gonna take you girl and hold you
Do all things I told you in the midnight hour..."

Wilson Pickett lyrics, In The Midnight Hour.

Strange things happen in the wee hours of the morning. You can also find wierd foodstuffs in the ice box (refrigerator to you youngins) old chinese food or leftover pork might look like feet but slap on some yellow american cheese and some dill pickels, and a sweet coke to wash it down and you got yourself a meal son......

they may take my kids away from me after this......

MY GIRL LOLLIPOP

2006-01-13T16:33:00.000-08:00

"My girl Lollipop, you make my heart go giddy up, You are as sweet as candy, you are my sugar dandy, Oh, oh, my girl lollipop, never ever leave me, Because it would grieve me, my heart told me so...

My girl Lollipop, you make my heart go giddy up, You set my world on fire, you are my one desire, Yeah, My girl Lollipop."

Lyrics Bad Manners, "My Girl Lollipop".

These beauties should'nt be lying around they should be sold in a candy store by the register ten cents for the small ones, fifty cents for the big ones because they probably contain gum.. Yum Yum.....

EXCESSIVE FOOT JEWELRY, LIKE A SILK HAT ON A PIG....

2006-01-11T16:52:00.000-08:00

"It's a classy place. You've been in here a million times. Tommy taking over this joint is like putting a silk hat on a pig. I don't mean disrespect, but that's the way it is.
But I'm worried, I mean, I'm hearin' all kinds a fuckin' bad things. I mean he's treating me like I'm a fuckin' half-a-fag or somethin'. I'm gonna wind up a lammist, I gotta go on the fuckin' lam in order to get away from this guy? This ain't right, Paulie. "

Sonny Bunz, GOODFELLAS (1990)

How many toe rings are too many two?, three? sometimes one might be too much if your feet are busted. Why would you call unnecessary attention to feet like this, Its like saying "Hey look at the cheap silver rings on my toes and while your at it take notice of my bunion and my freakishly long middle toe..." Another few hours in the sun and she'll be ready for Miami where dinner is at four and you wear support pantyhose to the beach.....

SCRUNCHIE.....

2006-01-09T15:32:00.000-08:00

"Margot: Here, you're gonna need this.
Elle: Your scrunchie?
Margot: My LUCKY scrunchie. It helped me pass Spanish.
Serena: You passed Spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lap dance after the final.
Margot: Yeah... Luckily! "

Memorable Quotes from Legally Blonde (2001).

Any way you spell it that's what these toes are doing. It could be shrinkage from the cold or the fear of a total stranger taking photos of her feet. Either way you cant escape the fact that she has thumbs for big toes but that is a discussion for another day.....

ON THE MENU TODAY...

2006-01-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

FEET UNDER GLASS:
1. Add one naive 21 yr. old

2. Explain this odd photo will make her rich and famous

3. Add one pyrex dish

4. Kick her out the front door before the wife gets home.

Ok, I know somthing is wrong with me. You know there is somthing wrong with me, For Christ sake I'm running a foot website.. But in my defense you have logged on of your own free will, I mean no one is holding a gun to your head (yet).. And considering my wife has'nt seen monday's post I live to see another day.....

LETS START THE NEW YEAR OUT WITH A BANG....

2006-01-01T20:55:00.000-08:00

"Got those pretty little straps around your ankles
Got those shiny little chains around your heart.
You go to have your independence,
But you don’t know just where to start.
Oh, no, pretty mama, what you gonna Do in those shoes?

Eagles Lyrics, Those Shoes. (1979)

This year has been good to me, so starting it off with a good Kentucky ass kickin' by my wife is always a good start. Across the room at this lame party I saw a vision of loveliness with stunning green eyes that you can easily get lost in for hours. We've met before and surprisingly she wanted to model for the sight I resisted to the best of my ability with no avail..... All I can say is HUBA-HUBA.... So what if she's 15 yrs. my junior...

LET THE BEATINGS BEGIN.....

NAUGHTY AND NICE.. # 5 THE BRUTAL DICTATORS ARE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE....

2005-12-22T11:27:00.000-08:00

"We are ready to sacrifice our souls, our children and our families so as not to give up . Allah is on our side. That is why we will beat the aggressor.Don't be attracted to easy paths because the paths that make your feet bleed are the only way to get ahead in life.

Saddam Hussein: Great Lessons, Commandments To Strugglers, The Patient and Holy Warriors.

Oh ho-ho those nutty tyrant's, what they wont do for a chuckle ho-ho. these two fascist oppressor's were found in squalor conditions deep inside a spider hole. Outside the courtroom the hoards chanted "free the funky four"..... It ended poorly, no clemency was given. The execution was carried out by Dr. Scholl (that bastard)..... What a shame all this for showing a pinky toe in public..

Krinkle toes makes this decree: "These Naughty toes were Nice........"

Merry freakin' Christmas Oh-Ho......

"THE NAUGHTY AND THE NICE.... # 4"

2005-12-21T14:52:00.000-08:00

[Barnaby disappears down well. Stannie and Ollie corner him]
Stannie Dum: You better come up dead or alive!
Ollie Dee: Now, how can he come up dead when he's alive?
Stannie Dum: Let's drop a rock on him. That'll make him dead when he's alive. Ollie Dee: Now you're talkin' sense.....

Memorable Quotes from Babes in Toyland (Aka) MARCH OF THE WOODEN SOLDIERS (1934).

Fuzzy wuzzy "wuz" a bear GRRROWWLLL... Oh Ho-Ho hot Pink fur can always get my jingle bells rockin' Oh-No Ho ho! So warm and fuzzy, not like those elves what an angry bunch. I'd use Leprechauns but the drinking on the job; and always "I got to leave early for my A-A meetings" then you see them later at the pub... And don't even get me started on Gnomes...

What can I say, Pink is my new favorite color...... Nice

NAUGHTY OR NICE # 3.....

2005-12-20T18:55:00.000-08:00

"What are you gonna do to us?
Plankton was very specific.
Plankton?
For some reason,he wanted me to step on you.
Step on us?
Yeah! That way you'll never find out that he stole the crown! Perhaps I've said too much.
That's a big boot.
Don't worry. This will only hurt a lot. I love this job!

Memorable Quotes, The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.

O-Ho Hoooo I found these gargantuan feet stomping the tiny villagers while they burned their torches, and threw tiny pitchforks with no avail.. Ho-Ho she gives a new meaning to the name "Krinkle Toes" Oh No! Ho-Ho

With the union on strike the judge has issued judgment in this case..... Naughty..

NAUGHTY OR NICE # 2...

2005-12-19T15:55:00.000-08:00

"That's how I met Charlie Manson. He wanted to be in the music business. He babysat my three kids. He didn't chop no heads off, he was very Nice with me.."

Grandpa Al Lewis,
Formerly of "The Munsters".

Oh-ho kiddies that charlie has been a good boy this year, O'l krinkle toes planned to bring him a shiny new christmas shiv O'ho-ho...Anyway while jumping from rooftop to rooftop (work related) O'l Krinkle got a areal view of these festive foots and knew they would make the cut Ho-ho.. I'd hang these tootsies on my tree anyday Oh-ho..

The jury's back on this one folks....Nice......

NAUGHTY OR NICE?

2005-12-18T23:58:00.000-08:00

"he's making a list checkin it twice,
he's gonna find out who's naughty or nice,
Santa Claus is coming to town....."

Lyrics various artists, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.

Ho-ho-hoe there kiddies its your old pal Kris Krinkle Toes shirking my obvious responsibilities to spread some Christmas cheer by exposing my naughty and nice list...So what do we have here... Busted thong sandal, Toenails black like she's been kickin around coal.. and whats that, BIRDSHIT? Oh No Ho-Ho....

I may have been drinking, but I say this one's Naughty... Real Freaky Naughty...

A TRUE MONET....

2005-12-15T15:52:00.000-08:00

"Tai: Do you think she's pretty?
Cher: No, she's a full-on Monet.
Tai: What's a monet?
Cher: It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
Christian: Hagsville.
Cher: See?..."

Memorable Quotes from Clueless (1995).

As a true "artist" I am exposed to the full spectrum of my craft from the high end hoity-toity types to the filthy street urchon's but this is the path I chose...Anyway I captured this work of art outside a fine Italian restaurant in Napels F.L. just moments before my subject was wisked away by her G.Q. boyfriend/daddy in his 50,000 dollar car.. I forget the brand name of the shoe but be rest assured you won't be finding it at your local shopping center...Anyway the point to be made here is:

1. Just because you spent 500 at the spa that day dosen't mean the guy working on your feet knew what he was doing.

2. If your toes are that close to the edge of your shoe buy a larger size or let them jump off..if they don't live it was ment to be..

DANCER FEET: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY...

2005-12-14T14:50:00.000-08:00

"I`M YOUR PRIVATE DANCER
A DANCER FOR MONEY
I`LL DO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO
I`M YOUR PRIVATE DANCER
A DANCER FOR MONEY
AND ANY OLD MUSIC WILL DO..."

TINA TURNER LYRICS, PRIVATE DANCER.

I know, you don't have to say it.. Anyway many women claim to be dancers (ballerina in this case) but how many are truly dedicated enough to their craft to do this to themselves.. From what I'm told the big toe becomes deformed and looses the nail and the rest of the toes kind of break and twist sideways to fit into those shoes. To me it sounds like some kind of war time atrocity where the villans will be held accountable at a later date. Well, Until this kind of torture is covered by the Geneva Convention Treaty we can just be glad these anorexic, cadaverous beautys are rarely see with their shoes off...

GGGGGG-GHOST FEET...

2005-12-13T16:06:00.000-08:00

"Cas-per the friend-ly ghost,the friend-li-est ghost you know.Though grown-ups might look at him with fright,the child-ren all love him so.

Cas-per the friend-ly ghost, he couldn't be bad or mean.He'll romp and play, sing and dance all day,the friend-li-est ghost you've seen..."

Television/TV Theme Lyrics, Casper,The Friendly Ghost.

My apologies, these feet are long over due. So pale there almost transparent. Soft to the touch like tissue paper (the good stuff), you can almost put your fingers through them. Unless there in motion you can hardly see a wrinkle or a blemish. It would appear as if they were bleached (and this photo was taken in August). It would appear O my brothers and well wishers we have witnessed an poltergeist.
Of the sexy kind....

GUS, SHE'S A BIGFOOT....

2005-12-12T16:59:00.000-08:00

"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she Gus? That's why the bitch's mustache is so Motherf*ckin thick ! Cos you shaved the bitch down and taught it to speak !" "I know a motherf*ckin' Bigfoot when I see one ! You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus ? On my children ? The bitch can't talk, she can't walk the fryer steps ! She's not trained well, Gus !..."
Eddie Murphy, Delirious.(1983)

Bloody hell.... Gidd'ay folks, This shelia was one to remember... There I was using me old Bushman's hanky (Emitting nasal mucus by placing one index finger on the outside of the nose, thus blocking one nostril and blowing). When suddenly the earth moved. The birds and small animals headed for shelter. I hid in fear leaving behind me precious Bush oysters (nasal mucus) . Then she passed, cracking the ground with each step. Downing mighty trees like they were toothpicks.. Using the distracting call " HEY BIGFOOT YOUR SHOE'S UNTIED" I confused the mighty beast long enough to snap this shot... Call me what you will; but at a confirmed "11 and 1/2" I nearly floated a meat pie in me trousers....

RIGHT TOE IN THE CORNER POCKET....

2005-12-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

"Johnny Doyle: Oh, did I stutter? Everybody gone all quiet and shit? About a minute ago it was like an evening at the Apollo up in this motherfucker, now all of a sudden it's quiet as a church...
Chico: You'd better watch your mouth Johnny!
Johnny Doyle: You watch my mouth Chico! Cause you sure as hell don't wanna watch me play pool. Unless, of course, I'm blind folded and hand cuffed with a pool cue stickin' out of my ass. Or maybe you'd bet the twenty thousand then?
Memorable Quotes from Poolhall Junkies (2002).

I always say "give me twenty good toes and there's nothing I can't do".... Except cure world hunger, or balance the budget (or even my checkbook)... or be able to teleport myself across space and time..... But other than that with twenty good toes there is NOTHING I cant do... and liquor...LOTS of liquor.... and a pool table, and two cue's.... and the square chalk stuff... But thats it, Nothing else.. Well maybe some music....

FLASHBACK 1999.....

2005-12-07T16:07:00.000-08:00

"They say two thousand zero, zero, party over,Oops, out of time! So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999!
I was dreamin' when I wrote this So sue me if I go too fast. But life is just a partyAnd parties weren't meant to last...."
Prince song lyrics, 1999.

(Flashback,Flashback..) Ahh 1999, I was much thinner. I still had hopes and dreams...Ricky Martin had the #1 song livin' La Vida Loca (I never got tired of that one)... Crack was still popular and That talentless spoiled vapid bitch "GWYNETH PALTROW" was reeling from winning the oscar the year before and was still getting work in crappy movies like "The Talented Mr. Ripley" ...Anyway this unfortunate woman thought wearing patent leather sandals would divert attention away from her painfully average feet... I mean seriously, there not good, there not bad.. Not too tan, not too shabby.. There almost non-existent... What a shame to go through life like that...

THE GRAPES OF WRATH...

2005-12-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

"Hoover: "The Grapes of Wrath"? I don't get it.
Nelson: Here's the grapes...and here's the wrath! [pounds grapes with a mallet, soaking Skinner and Miss Hoover] [all the kids groan]
Skinner: [dismissive] Yes, yes, very good wrath.-- Remarkable control of his temper......."
The Simpsons, episode [1F17] Lisa's Rival

John Steinbeck depicts the lives of ordinary people striving to preserve their humanity in the face of social and economic desperation.... My website has nothing to do with this shit..It's hardly my fault that they make grapes small enough to squeeze between every toe. Why don't you blame the California vineyards or the minum wage workers that pick them... Or how about the sorting machines and the overpriced supermarkets...HUH! So if I take a fall, Im taking all these guys with me...so bring it Onnn....

THE ADULT PARTY....

2005-12-05T15:58:00.000-08:00

"Rudy: Let's have a bachelor party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze
Gary: Yeah! Yeah yeah! All the things that make life worth living for! "

Memorable Quote from Bachelor Party 1984.

You know what kind of party this is "NO KIDS ALLOWED"....... You eat and drink like your going to the chair and get friends to say and do things they would never do sober or with children around like lick that frozen lightpost, or "I dare you to pee on that car"... Anyway even though it's twelve degrees outside people are wearing short sleeves and sandals...Thank God...

So let us eat and drink, For tomorrow we die...(kids,work,hangover)...

GIFT OF THE MAGI

2005-12-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

"USHA: Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place.

ZUBIN: You know, it's the only country that still has the plague? I mean, the plague! Please! If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire trip...."

Seinfeld Episode, "The Betrayal"

Found in a shoe bin for under five dollars these flimsy, brittle and from what I'm told uncomfortable sandals can last a person in India up to twelve years.... AND cost two weeks salary.. So cherrish your "Jimmy Choo's" and your "Vera Wang's" and your "Mootsy Tootsy's"....Because you never know when you'll be begging in the streets of New Delhi missing a hand or a foot...AND Then you'll be sorry... because you'll only need one shoe... and no one will want to sell it to you because they don't want to break up the pair. so there...

THE MUMMY?

2005-12-01T16:02:00.000-08:00

"[translating inscription on box] "Death... eternal punishment... for... anyone... who... opens... this... casket. In the name... of Amon-Ra... the king of the gods." Good heavens, what a terrible curse!... Well, let's see what's inside!"

Sir Joseph Whemple, THE MUMMY 1932.

Gidday folks, comming to you from a strange port....Port-chester, not a Billabong in sight (an ox-bow river or watering hole)... Anyway I was bored shitless at the old B & S (Bachelors' and Spinsters' Ball -usually a very enjoyable party usually held in rural areas ) When across the room I thought I spotted the elusive albino mummy foot (very rare in these parts).. With the speed of a Bitzer (mongrel dog ,bits of this and bits of that) I pounced on the young lass only to realize she was on of them mother earth chicks wearin Payless shoes... I said " Eh shelia you know what them cheap shoes can do to a pair of foots like yours. Pay-less now, you'll pay more later...."

This one was a catch and release, more calamitous than a Brown-eyed mullet ( a turd in the sea where you're swimming....)

VINTAGE 35mm PHOTO (circa 1989)

2005-11-29T16:01:00.000-08:00

"Kodachrome, they give us those nice bright colours They give us the greens of summers Makes you think all the world's a sunny day, oh yeah
I got a Nicon camera, I love to take a photograph So
mama don't take my Kodachrome away...

Mama don't take my Kodachrome away,
mama don't take my Kodachrome away,
Mama don't take my Kodachrome away...."

SIMON & GARFUNKEL lyrics - "Kodachrome"

Ahh times were simpler back then. Look Who's Talking was tearing up the box office with a thin Kirstie Alley. An old Ronald Regan was turning over the presidency to a younger George H.W. Bush. That talentless spoiled bitch "GWYNETH PALTROW" was still ten years away from winning the Academy Award for Shakespeare in Love, and Milli Vanilli's "Blame It On The Rain" was blasting on every car stero..35mm film reigned supreme and each camera weighed fourteen pounds. Yup those were good times.
Oh by the way I have no idea who this is in the photo but guaranteed she was a filthy hippie....

THE HOT COUSIN.....

2005-11-28T16:18:00.000-08:00

"Me mind on fire -- Me soul on fire -- Feeling hot hot hot.
Party people -- All around me feeling hot hot hot
What to do - On a night like thisMusic sweet - I can't resist
We need a party song - A fundamental jam....
So we go rum-bum-bum-bum
Yeah we rum-bum-bum-bum
Feeling hot hot hot -- Feeling hot hot hot - oh Lord.."

You know who they are. You see them holidays, weddings christenings... They're sexy and demure... they play coy.. you play coy back... Your conversations are short and witty.. you find yourself..***(Attention, This is a special bulletin: I have never found any woman in my lifetime other than my incredibley forgiving wife "hot, sexy or demure" If I ever utter these words again and they are not directed at the "LITE OF MY LIFE" I will spend the rest of my miserable life in undescribable pain the likes of which I cannot imagine.... coincidentally I am no longer to have contact with any member of her family living or deceased because I am a bad, bad boy.......)*******

THANKSGIVING HOAX AND THE TURKEY COMA

2005-11-27T20:32:00.000-08:00

"Now my beauties. Something with poi-son in it I think. With poison in it. But attractive to the eye and soothing to the smell. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Poppies. Poppies...

Poppies will put them to sleep.
Sle-ee-p. Now they'll sle-ee-p."

Wicked Witch of the West.

Arise my pretties, you are not dreaming... To leave you with just "SOCKS" would be a sin; but it was not an easy task.... Fourth and goal ten seconds to go... Turkey enzyme kicking in... Kids now throwng a "Fat Frenchcman's Fit".... People starting to leave... Little Orphan Annie starring Carol Burnett, Albert Finney and Tim Curry (circa1982) is now playing for a SECOND time.......THE SNAP...... the photographer's got off one sock, now the other..... who's that bringing in the banner... Where the hell did the paper turkey come from..... TOUCHDOWN .... That's "FIFTY TOES" folks... Oh the humanity... good night folks I'm out of here, stay tuned for your local sponsers...

THIS SOCKS.....

2005-11-24T20:46:00.000-08:00

" My brother and I used to say that drownin' in beer was like heaven, eh? Now he's not here, and I've got two soakers... this isn't heaven, this sucks....."

Bob McKenzie, The Adventures of Bob & Doug McKenzie: Strange Brew.

What a gyp, what a ripoff.... This is no holiday photo, not the one I envisioned.... (begin dream sequence): I imagined feet rammed through turkey carcase's dripping in gibblet gravey, sitting in a pool of cranberry sauce and sausage stuffing. surrounded by side dishes and white wine.... :(end dream sequence) Begin reality....
Screaming children, complete exhaustion, coffee spills, Triptaphen.... Deals were made, deals were broken... I was lucky to get out alive snapping only one photo. The logistics just were'nt there so sue me....

editors note* (please don't sue me) HAPPY TURKEY DAY.....

LIME OR LEMON?

2005-11-23T16:36:00.000-08:00

"Brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime,
His sister had another one, she paid it for the Lime.
Now let me get this straight?
Put the lime in the coconut, you drank 'em both up
Put the lime in the coconut, you drink 'em both together
Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better
Put the lime in the coconut, drink 'em both down
Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning...."
Lyrics Coconut, HARRY NILSSON.

Pucker up folks and give thanks for the women that allow me to constantly torment them with photos and props, some more dangerous than others but during these troubled times we must push the envelope. Remember when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.. If life gives you shit, you make a shit sandwich.....
(and remember eventually, everyone takes a bite of the shit sandwich..)

USED CAR TROUBLE FOR A LOVLEY LATINA.....

2005-11-22T16:12:00.000-08:00

" Will Darnell: 'Kiddo, you sold him that piece of shit, you oughta be fuckin' ashamed of yourself. Dennis Guilder: I didn't sell it to him. I tried to talk him out of it.
Will Darnell: You shoulda' tried harder. "

Memorable Quotes from Christine
(1983), John Carpenter.

Gidday mates, been away for a while. (*editors note* when Foot Hunter states "Away" it usually means prison or court mandated community service*) Fall can be tough on a hunta, specially when all the good foots scurry south for the winta and all. Anyway while in the land of the New Rochelle I spotted this Loverly Latinar havin a bit of trouble with her used auto. Sprining into action I bartered her a deal, I get's her engine purrin like a dingo and she gives me a photo of them feets.. a bit raptor-ish I might add but this late in the season even an "F" is a passin grade. So after a new battery,plugs, wires, radiator, transmisson and two tires the pact was complete.....

You can see who got the better of that deal...more satisfyin than a Dingo's breakfast : a yawn, a leak and a good look round (i.e. no breakfast)

WINTER FEET....

2005-11-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

" High school is a lot like prison: Bad food, high fences; the sex you want, you ain't gettin', the sex you gettin', you don't want. I've seen terrible things....."

Inmate Luther, THE NEW GUY.

Now apply that theory to winter feet. Poor, poor winter foots...so cold there's noticable shrinkage. It's obvious that they were a half a size bigger before she left the house. So cold polish wont even stay on the toes.... I'm tellin ya it's cold... Toes all wrinkled up like a pruny old man's ass out of a hot tub.

Im tellin you it was cold....

DAS FREAKIN BOOT....

2005-11-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.

Memorable Quote, Grosse Pointe Blank.

You may not recover from a kick to the head from these "BOOTS MADE FOR WALK'IN" by aldo but you still might want to take a chance. I know I did... Owww... Owwww... Mad Max eat your heart out..

FLASHBACK: JUNE '02 MARGARITAVILLE KEY WEST

2005-11-17T16:01:00.000-08:00

"I blew out my flip flop,Stepped on a pop top,Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home.But there's booze in the blender,And soon it will render That frozen concoction that helps me hang on.Wasted away again in Margaritaville Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt. Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,But I know, it's my own damn fault....."
Jimmy Buffet, Lyrics Margaritaville.

It was one of those long lost drunken weekend trips where the liquor continuously flows, the days seem to melt together and you often wake up with a horrible dry cotton taste in your mouth...Anyway I do remember taking this photo outside the bar because her toes were extremely busy and her feet reminded me of a lizzard.. Long, skinny, multiple separations between the toes and moving very quickly in the hot sun...

Here lezzard, lezzard, lezzard... Nice Lezzard, lezzard, lezzard....