I WANT CANDIES.....

"Candy on the beach, there's nothing better...
But i like candy when it's wrapped in a sweater...
Some day soon I'll make you mine,
Then I'll have candy all the time..."

Lyrics:Bow Wow Wow, I Want Candy.


Ladies and gentleman i give you feet so sweet it would make Sammy Davis J.R. tear out his good eye and sing "The Candyman"....And force Willy Wonka to dive head first into a pot of scalding chocolate trying to figure out the secret recipe to these Candies sandals.

Note the dence wooden soles that i thought would be uncomfortable but I am told are therapeutic (go figure).. Also the thick genuine leather uppers that provide ease and stability. Finally the ten lollypop flavored toes in my favorite color cherry red..

(Wait i only see nine toes... Yikes... oh well.......FREAK!)

MUSCLE-Y TOES

"We'd like to give you somthing to hear now and think about later: a muscle is a terrible thing to waste...Ya we should take your wasted muscle... which is flab! And strech it into a flab-rope ladder, so you can climb Back down into the sewer you crawled out of.... YA! "

Hanz and Franz (pumping with Hanz and Franz)


Behold these feeble straps cannot hold back my muscular feet which are about to rip out of these puny Nine West sandals and wreak havock on the world much like the way King Kong did in that stupid movie whose name i can't remember.. Or that stupid movie with the Hulk whose name i cant remember who ripped his shoes apart and stomped people to death with his mighty feet....HURRY UP AND TAKE THE STUPID PHOTO WIMPY MORTAL SO I MIGHT CRUSH YOU BETWEEN MY ALL-POWERFUL TOES.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAA....

SIT 'N SPIN?

"The last time someone told me to sit and spin they were giving me the finger......."



This veiny "Duck Footed" beauty attempted to gain her childs attention with this classic mentally challenging, often nauseating toy. Only i observed this reckless act for what it truly was.....an opportunity to get a photo! I stayed long enough to see her fall three times and find out she is a size 6 1/2..

Quack!.... now she can fly south for the winter...

MY BIG GREEK FEET......

"A picture is a poem without words"
Horace, (65-8 B.C.)

"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold, the felling of happiness dwells in the soul."
Democritus, (460 B.C.-370 B.C.)

"I had to go to Greek school, where i learned valuable lessons such as, " If Nick has one goat and Maria has nine, How soon will they marry? "
Toula Portokalos, My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Take out the good plates and smash them for these olympian sized 9 1/2's that would make even the God's envious (yea Aphrodite im talkin to you..) Purchased in Santorini these handmade strappy thongs could surely cut off the circulation if tied too tight.... So lets slaughter the lamb, Raise the Ouzo and shout "Opa! Opa!

(Drink, refill glass, Repeat)...... Opa!

FEETS LEFT OUT IN THE RAIN

"Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling
blame it on the stars that did shine at night
whatever you do don't put the blame on you
blame it on the rain yeah, yeah..."

Lyrics: Blame it on the Rain
Millie Vanilli.


Don't you hate when that happens, a good dinner, a fun night out and "BAM" unexpected down pour and your not wearing the proper footwear. Tisk-Tisk... Your tootsies is all wet...

Well bring those hush puppies out of the rain before the color runs out of them like the polish ran off your toes; and then the soles of your feet will get dyed black and people might think your filthy. But only "I" will know the difference

Ahhhh ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa ........ ok I'm done...

PEEK-A-BOO TOES

"Counselor! Come out, come out, wherever you are! "

Max Cady Cape Fear.

"Little pigs, little pigs, let me in.. Not by the hair of your chinny-chin-chin? Well then I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in......"

Jack Torrance(chopping door)
The shining.


Now you see E'm... Now you don't.. Often hidden by bell bottom jeans these toes periodically come out for air when on the move but when stationary they become eclipsed by there natural surroundings. This spirited size 6 1/2 was from Brazil most known for Duran-Durans "Rio", The cable car scene in James Bonds MOONRAKER movie ( i loved Jaws), bloodthirsty monkey attacks, and the biggest statue of Jesus Christ you will ever see..

her name is Rio and she dances in the sand... YEA!

A VINTAGE CRISSCROSS

"Jump Jump..
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump
uh huh uh huh........"

Lyrics "Jump Jump" Kriss Kross
Album: Totally krossed Out



When most people think "Vintage" they think Jeans,Cars,jewlery ; but how many of us would think shoes? Well this saucy size 8 1/2 did and purchased them from "Ye Olde Clothing Store" in White Plains (Disclaimer: may not be real name). Don't you just love the classic yellow pigment clashing with the blood red toenail polish; and those crisscross straps saying "where the hell you toes think your going? eh-ehh... Your staying right here"

Although the sandals are vintage the feet are not. True vintage feet can be described as Dry, pale often with red or dark brown patches, a "yellowing" or "thickening" in the nails and sometimes a one or two inch thick sole comprised mostly of flaky dead skin...

Now im sick.......

WHEN GOOD FEET GO BAD...

"In every horror beauty can be found.."

Gaius Caligula Rome (A.D.37-41)


"I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen."

Colonel Walter E. Kurtz
(Apocalypse Now)

This site has taken you to great foot heights but much like Icarus we have flown too close to the sun and must be forced back down to earth flailing and finally exploding in flames...

What the fuck was she thinking when she left the house that day? It cant be "MMMMM-M MY FEETS LOOK GOOOOOD"... The feet are scrunched up like Shrinkie Dinks, toes appear to be cracked and dry, toenail polish is chipped and check out the pointy snaggle-tooth like toes..... The "TOE-RINGS" look like they were stolen from her grandma's jewlery box and she is missing one of the mini flowers on her Nine West sandal. do i have to mention that her jeans were probably trimmed with an exacto knife which explains the injury to her ankle....

The Horror.... the Horror in my eyes.....

A PACK OF WILD FLOPPERS

Foot Hunter here with another brilliant catch from the bush in Northern Westchester. Today's prey was not an easy one with many types of poachers and predators in the area...

This would be my greatest challenge to date, All my skills must be focused like a lazer beam..

Sipping from me juice box a "THUNDEROUS" KA-THWACK , KA-THUNK, KA-FLOP... came from outside me camp and i sprung into action! With the speed of a Wombat , inches from me grasp I was distracted by a Herd of Wild Grunge Fellows (very dangerous) The alpha grunge stated" HEY FOOTMAN WHAT ABOUT OUR FEET, THEY TOO GOOD FOR YA" .. With seconds to spare i screamed a diversonary call " HEY IS THAT AVRIL LAVIGNE GIVIN YOU THE FINGA!!! "... Frightened and confused they scattered leaving me for the kill....

Observe the matching black old navy floppers (very rare) and the lengthy digits attached to the shelia on the left, this should fetch a fare price on the open market.......... I MEAN " One for the throphy case" im no poacher..

FILTHY HIPPIE FEET

"Hippies, hippies..... they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play frisbee !"

Eric Cartman... South Park.


Today's Hippie feet are no longer found frolicing in open fields and handing out flowers now they can be found in expensive coffee houses wearing orthopedic Birkenstocks and writing angry emails about the government.... Anyway

These size 7's may not fit the traditional "hippie" stereotype but man are they filthy. Adorned with a matching silver and green toe ring and ankle braclet it would appear these feet have not left the same sandals in the last 4 years.....

Love ya babe...

KENNETH COLE...REACTION

I LOVE THESE SHOES YOU GOT ONE STRAP GOING THIS WAY.. YOU GOT ONE STRAP GOING THAT WAY.. AND THE MIDDLE TOE SAYS " WHADDA YOU WANT FOM ME? "

These amazing shoes and feet belong to a lovely girl from Indo Guyana; and may i say they are perfect. First of all she is wearing Kenneth Cole sandals ( my favorite clothing designer). Secondly these peds are perfectly tanned and evenly tapered; and finally accented with a simple gold ankle bracelet. Take a good look people, This is Class......

DOROTHY'S SISTER?

"Going so soon? I wouldn't hear of it. Why my little party's just beginning...."

Wicked Witch of the West..



Always on the lookout for those damn ruby red slippers i came across these sparkly Be-Dazzling shoes. They were acquired at T.J. Maxx by this plucky size 7 1/2 and may i say shine on you crazy diamond.

So as king of all Flying Monkeys i took her into custody and whisked her away to Emerald City Prison at OZ to stand trial for Heresy and wearing Enchanted type footwear. (hey i dont make the rules , i only enforce them eee-e ook-ook....)

GLADIATOR SANDALS

"for those of us about to die...We salute you.."

General Maximus Decimus Meridias, Gladiator.







Hail Caesar! Send in the gaurds on these fantastic romanesque type sandals. Im sure the emperor would have no problem giving 2 thumbs up on these shoes found at Bakers; and these are not ment for common pesants... NAY! they are reserved for royalty notice the shiny faux gold straps and genuine upper leathers and the double adjustible harnesses allows for the ultimate comfort whether vomiting at your local orgy or being thrown to the lions at the Colosseum you will do it in style.

GIDDAY MATE..

" While hunting the allusive albino orangutan in southern Westchester i was scared out of me bush by a large thwack-thwack-thwacking sound. Armed only with a 4.0 mega pixel sony and a wee bit of courage i attempted to take down this prey..."

Aint she a beaut folks, flat ridged hot pink bottoms with a gel type v thong acrost the top (very rare in these parts). And take special notice to the well kept unpainted natural look. This one it truly a keeper unfortunately i had to release it back to the wild....

BLAST WHEN WILL THEY CHANGE THOSE STUPID LAWS........

THE FOOT HUNTER

VITAL STATS:

HEIGHT: 5' 10"
WEIGHT 3 STONE
DEMEANOR: UNPREDICTABLE
MENTAL STATUS: POSSIBLY DERANGED



FUN FACT: RESCUED FROM A LIFE SENTENCE IN A BORNEO PRISON FOR
FORCING ORANGUTANS ON THE RED APE TRAIL TO WEAR
FASHONABLE SANDALS. NOW AN INDENTURED SERVANT,
HE SERVES THIS WEBLOG AS PHOTOGRAPHIC HITMAN.

NOW LETS GET STARTED

FEET FROM THAILAND

"One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
not much between despair and ecstasy.
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
can't be too careful with your company.

I can feel the devil walking next to me...."

Lyrics: Murray Head "One night in Bangkok" 1984




To make it short and sweet ( no pun intended ) One day on patrol in Manhattan a tourist from Thailand asked for simple directions.... I then inquired why she wore shoes that were obviously one size too large. {Fair Trade?} She stated " I am wearing my sisters shoes ( Nike sports sandals size 6 ) i love them , they are so comfortable, she doesn't appreciate them, don't they look good...." I agreed and then accidently gave her the worst directions to Brooklyn...

LESSONS LEARNED:
1. Just because i wear the funny hat dosen't mean i know where im going
2. Never steal your sisters shoes it's in poor taste and you can get a fungal infection.

THE SOUL

"The soul meaning of life is to serve humanity"

Leo Tolstoy. Russian Novelist

"Ill swallow your soul !"

Basement Demon. Evil Dead

"Hey you in the mood for soul food, lets go to Sylvia's on Lenox....

Pete Mack. Idiot

The soul of the foot carries the weight of the human body as well as excess emotional baggage, children and sometimes a wallet. Gypsy's and Soothsayer's read palms to tell a persons future i say if you really want to read a person rip off their shoes and closely examine their soul's ( Not to close"the smell factor") To see where they have been or if they will remain your friend. What do these wrinkled size 6 1/2 tell you..

editors note: Oh wait its sole crap... scratch everything i just said.... im an idiot... well you can blame the public school systems social promotion...

KOUNTRY FEETS

"MOVING TO THE COUNTRY GONNA EAT ALOT OF PEACHES.. MOVING TO THE COUNTRY GONNA EAT ME ALOT OF PEACHES.."

lyrics to Peaches from "THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA."




They look more like strawberries than peaches but there weren't any decent berry songs.
Anyway somewhere off route 80 past Bald Eagle rest stop (where you can get great sandwiches MTO) deep in the woods past Altoona there is a little place Called Latrobe where Rolling Rock beer "33" is made and these size 8 1/2 feet reside. Wearing comfortable Birkenstock like sandals from payless these feet know how to make this Yankee feel right at home.

NOW WHERES THE MOONSHINE...

THE FRENCH PEDICURE

" Possibly the most important thing France has given us not counting French fries and French toast"

Sometimes simple is best. Standard Old Navy flip flops, modest ankle braclet , basic silver toe rings. these averge American feet can be found in any mall, college campus or shopping at your local store.....now what the hell was i saying about the frech? i lost my train of thought ... anyway GO U.S.A. !

LABOR DAY FEET

A PILLAR OF FEETS


"if only pharoh had these toes to inspire him mabye the Sphinx would have gotten a decent pedicure...








Size matters not when it comes to 30 toes of this caliber. Known to us as the first wives club these bewitching sirens have tolerated my compulsion and suprise photo attacks for the past 15 years and for that you have earned a significant residence in my life. I digress.....

So as the sun sets and the summer draws to a close i am reminded of one thing.....OH GOD SUMMER PLEASE DONT GO...DON'T LET IT GET COLD AGAIN.....EVERYONE IS GONNA BE WEARING BOOTS AND FREAKIN CLOGS AND THICK WOOL SOCKS WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA LOOK AT THE GROUND !!!! ITS NOT FAIR....i need to move to a warmer climate

VIVA ITALIA !

MAMMIA MIA THATS A SPICY MEATBALL....

Ciao amico fidato! Behold Italian feet so lovely they could make Nero stop fiddling,kick the tower of pisa in the other direction and make Michealangelo's david get off his stone pillar and say "hey now those are nice feet !"


These captivating size 8 1/2's are wrapped in strappy Nine West sandals with a cute beaded design in the front and a nice leather strap to hold it together in the rear..( and remember folks without the strap its just a flip flop).

So go to an presentable supermarket and get some decent cheese may i suggest a Reggiano Parmesan it goes for about 13 bucks a pound ( and dont buy the whole pound) a gallon of cheap red wine ( like Carlo Rossi) and enjoy these feet from the Mediterranean that are as pure as the canals of Venice....

"Hey was that an eggplant floating by.... Man i hope that was an eggplant...."

CHICKEN CUTLET FEET

A MUST ON A HOT SUMMER DAY
recipe:

1. add 2 jucy feet size optional

2. immerse in salt or fresh water

3. cover liberally in fine beach sand

4. garnish with toe ring

5. bake in sun until done

Dosen't that sound great and its so easy to make. These pretty peds belong to a cousin that lives on Boston Go Sox! comming in at a size 6 these feet hit a home run in my ballpark.

mmm... next time for an entree i may use some raw oysters and some chowdahh...

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE

Greetings from my hospital bed at Jacobi hospital in the Bronx. The head trauma i recieved was just enough to help me realize the terrible error I have made... and now without further delay the correct debut photo.

please disregard prior photo.

THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEET IN THE WORLD: MY WIFES

All kneel down before the greatness and glory of my spouses feet perfect in every way. Notice the perfect corn nibblet sized toes.The symmetrical way they line up single file largest to smallest. The absence of corns or bunions we are truely staring at a work of art. At a size 6 and wearing Kennith Cole jelly thong sandals found at Marshalls (on sale i must add) i am truly a blessed man. ok is that enough ass kissing... Please i don't want to take any more shots to the head.